"Hello. My name is Rebecca. I am a recovering Diabetic and a sugar addict."
Does that sound harsh? Maybe to some it does but for me it is reality. I never realized I was addicted to sugar until I wasn't allowed to have it. I still hate how that sounds ... not allowed to have it. But that was my reality. At least in the beginning. I was 3 weeks into not having any conscious sugar and feeling worse than I ever did before I learned my blood sugar was sky high ... I mean really high! I would have been devastated having a blood sugar of 200 and an A1c of 8. I blew those numbers out of the park!
You see, when the Universe wants to get your attention, it will REALLY grab your attention. And boy did it want mine! A LOT! Even while in disbelief, I left work and went directly to CVS to purchase a glucometer, strips and finger pricking equipment. I got home dropped all my bags and threw my coat into the chair. This was not the time to be neat and orderly, this was the time to prove those blood results wrong! Simple as that. I gasped and again sat is utter disbelief. I couldn't handle this information. So I went and laid down. Maybe it was all a dream and if I took a nap I would be back in my reality when I woke up.
An hour or so later I woke up thinking all in my world was good ... until I remembered. I immediately fell straight into that sense of endless falling. "I know, I'll go check my sugar again", I told myself. And that what I did. Well, if you consider a 20 point drop enough to change reality then I would have been great. However, when a blood sugar is dropping from 384 to 363 it doesn't feel that great. Tears streaming down my cheeks I pondered my next steps. I thought about maybe just not eating. What was I going to eat anyway?
Its funny how all that I learned in nursing school and my 30+ years of nursing went straight down the drain in that moment. I opened the refrigerator door and then closed it again. I opened every single cabinet and then closed them again. And then back to the fridge. "Well, you have to eat.", I told myself. "You can't just not eat, that really doesn't solve anything."
"But what then?", I asked myself.
"I don't know, something though." Eventually I settled upon something, I don't even remember what. I don't remember eating ... for the next couple of days I was simply going through the motions of life. I was embarrassed. I was ashamed. I was horrified. I felt like a failure. I felt like I was facing my worst fear dead straight on. I thought about my intuitive eating that I had been following and felt like a fraud. And yet I loved intuitive eating and I was not ready to give it up. I felt like a fraud.
I had called the doctor's office after getting my results and left a message for my primary care provider telling the secretary to have her call in whatever medication she wanted me to take. Like it works that way. And like I would accept that once I came back to my right mind. My next most pressing issue was that I was going to my daughters for 3 nights in just 2 days. "I won't tell her", I thought. "I will just eat as best as I can while I am there but won't tell her."
"Is it worth risking your blood sugar over this?" I asked myself back. I strategized how I could keep this to myself over the next 2 days. I still wasn't decided when I headed to the airport. While I was in shock and disbelief I was still taking the steps I needed to begin to get these blood sugars under control. Basically I was eating meat and veggies and drinking only water, except for my coffee in the morning, which thankfully I drink without sugar. And by making these immediate changes my sugars dropped by about 100 points.